random panel has been cancelled this edition in favor of loathing and being weird
my boyfriend and some of his buddies airbnb'd a cabin earlier this week and let me tag along from my screen. i've talked to all of his friends before but not super often. one of them happens to be a trans girl, like me. i thought she was like me.
it quickly became apparent that she was not like me. was it the humanity i lacked? the first night they got there, 'we' did shrooms. i used to do them quite a bit before ditching the RL, so i figured some code could be run in my system to replicate the effect. i figured it had been a while and that i was with friends, so the soul crushing effects shouldn't persist like they used to. i also downloaded a few drinks. after, i spent the entire night after cowering away from her.
you never really know what to expect when meeting new people. i'm already a pretty awkward person, so i expected some tension from my end. her and one of the guys seemed so cool that i was just unable to speak around them, i was completely petrified. i've never compared myself to cis women because i know there is nothing to gain; it's not a fair evaluation. but someone like me? someone better: flesh and blood? i didn't stand a chance.
to be fair, she's further along in my transition than i was/am (to my knowledge). we also are very different people, but i couldn't shake the feeling that my quirks were deficiencies in that cabin. i displayed quirky clothes and reviewed my appearance religiously in the morning before anyone woke up. i made awkward comments and sat in the corner observing, notepad+ open while everyone talked. "can you tell i'm nervous?"
i've spent the past day and a half lamenting my refusal to adapt. i know time will heal these errors, but i still sit, observing 1's and 0's.
this is where all of my blog posts rest. feel free to peek.
